


What I Really Meant To Say

by teamchasez



Category: NSYNC, Pop Music RPF
Genre: Break Up, F/M, Getting Back Together, Getting Together, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2020-05-15 15:57:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19298989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teamchasez/pseuds/teamchasez
Summary: Would Rachel be able to tell JC Chasez what she had really meant to say after their chance encounter on the crowded New York City sidewalk.





	What I Really Meant To Say

**Author's Note:**

> This is a song fic written for "What I Really Meant To Say" by Cyndi Thompson.

“Stupid stupid stupid!” Rachel Michaels muttered as she entered her hotel room. She let the door shut with more force than necessary. With a flick of each of her feet she kicked off the black pumps. One bounced on the floor and knocked against the wall before stopping right side up. The other sailed across the room and into the curtain pulled across the window blocking the view of the city. 

How could she have let the opportunity pass her by? Why couldn’t she open her mouth and say everything she’s ever wanted to say for the past three months. She had her chance and she blew it. 

“Just fine,” she mocked as she angrily pulled the Bobbi pins from her hair causing the curls to fall down one by one. “No I’m not ‘just fine’!” The Bobbi pins bounced across the porcelain sink counter. One went into the sink and down the drain. It caused her to pause briefly worried about clogging the sink before she continued. “You’re so stupid.” She glared at the person staring back at her in the mirror. “You idiot!”

_‘Rachel!’_

JC had been right there. Close enough she could reach out and touch. Right there! After the three months of nothingness. Three months after foolishly letting him go. Agreeing their relationship had run its course. 

He had taken her by surprise. She hadn’t expected to run into him on the crowded New York City sidewalk. She had frozen causing people to walk around her. Bump into her. Voice their displeasure. She hadn’t paid them any attention. Could only stare at JC. The black button up with the sleeves rolled just passed the elbows. The collar open to reveal the ever present black cord with the silver Leo pendant. This time there was another necklace with it. Teal beads. Rectangular in shape. It matched a teal beaded bracelet around his right wrist. The bracelet was joined by a couple others. A white watch with a thick leather band wrapped around his left wrist. She had drank him in. His clothes. His unshaven jaw. The curls on his head. The blue eyes that always caused her heart to skip a beat.

They had then too. It was the only reason she could think of for standing there like a fool and ruining her chance. 

“How have you been?”

That had been her opening. Her moment to tell him she missed him. More and more everyday. To tell him she was dying inside. How she cried every night. It was her chance to say she was still in love with him. 

But no. 

She smiled like a fool and responded how she was just fine.

Rachel growled and jammed her fingers through her hair, clenching at the strands. How could she tell him that? She was not ‘just fine’. She was a mess. Case in point she was standing in the hotel room bathroom growling at her reflection in the mirror.

Why couldn’t she have told JC the truth? Why couldn’t she have responded with _‘not good’_ instead of telling him she was fine. She wasn’t fine. Hadn’t been fine from the moment they both walked their separate ways. She tried to hide it. Had hidden it very well for the first week. Buried it deep. Plastered a smiled on her face. Lied to herself. Then the façade started cracking. The pressure got to be too much. Lying that she was fine. Happy. Not bothered by the end of her relationship with JC. The smile became harder to put in place. Not as wide. Not as bright. Now it was hard to even crack one at all.

She wasn’t happy. She wasn’t fine. She was drowning. Drowning in her own emotions. The regrets. Oh the regrets. 

*~*

“What’s wrong with you?” Joey Fatone asked as he took a drink.

“Nothing.” JC sipped the amber liquid in his own high ball glass. “You were really great Joey.”

“I know,” Joey grinned, brushing off his friend’s compliment. It was the opening night party of his Broadway debut. He was still running on the high of his performance. It was like all those times he’d performed on stage with *NSYNC but different. This was something he had done on his own. 

JC chuckled. “Guess I don’t have to stroke your ego.”

“I wouldn’t be opposed to getting something else stroked.” Joey wiggled his eyebrows.

JC choked on his drink. 

Joey threw his head back and laughed. “Never change man.” He chuckled and finished his drink, quickly ordering another. With a quick glance to his friend, he ordered JC a drink too. “Next round’s on you man.” He said, shoving the drink into JC’s free hand.

“Drink’s are free.” JC rolled his eyes. 

“So drink up dude,” Joey grinned and nudged JC’s arm. “Do you need a nipple on it man?”

JC rolled his eyes and finished off the rest of the drink he’d been nursing. He grimaced and clenched his eyes shut as a shudder worked through him. 

Joey laughed. “Such a pussy. Come on,” he nudged JC away from the bar. “Anyone strike your fancy? I can introduce you to Karmine…Maggie might be more up your alley.”

“Whoa…” JC shook his head and stopped walking. “Up my alley? What are you trying to do?”

“Finding you someone to take back to your hotel.”

“I don’t need your help.”

“Yeah right,” Joey rolled his eyes. “When’s the last time you got laid? And you can’t say Rachel…” He raised his eyes expectantly. His lips morphed into a grin when JC stayed silent. “Exactly! You haven’t been with anyone since. It’s been three months man! Three months! How the hell are you even managing? The longest it’s been for me…”

“Twelve hours?”

Joey lifted his arm to look at his watch and pretended to count in his head until JC shoved his shoulder. He laughed. “A week man. It was a week and when I got home I had Kelly pressed up against the wall next to the door…”

“I didn’t need to know that.” JC took a drink to try and erase the image Joey had put in his head. 

“Like you have never gotten freaky deaky with anyone in places other than a bed.” Joey said knowingly. 

“I don’t announce them to the world.”

“Half the fun.” Joey grinned.

“If that’s half the fun then you must be doing it wrong.” JC smirked as he took a drink.

“So what’s going on with you?” Joey asked. “Three months is a long time. Maybe get a haircut…” he reached out and ruffled the curls.

JC ducked his head and slapped his hand away. “Stop it Joey.”

“I’m just trying snap you out of whatever funk you’re in.”

JC sighed. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“What’s wrong?”

JC sighed again. “I saw Rachel.”

“What? Where?” Joey straightened and looked around the room, searching for JC’s ex girlfriend.

“Not here. Earlier.” JC explained the run-in on the sidewalk earlier when he’d been on his way to the after party.

“Haven’t seen her in three months and you randomly run in to her on a crowded New York City sidewalk,” Joey gave a small chuckle and shook his head. “I don’t know if that’s good luck or bad timing.”

JC wasn’t sure either. 

“There is a simple solution though. Well, two solutions.”

“What’s that?”

“First solution,” Joey wrapped his arm around JC’s shoulders. “You make a couple phone calls, find out where she’s staying. Show up at her hotel and get her back. Or you take a look around the room and have your pick at anyone in here and take them back to your hotel room and show them how much of a horn dog you really are as if your album hasn’t already told them as such.”

In the end, JC went for the third option. Back to his hotel room. Alone. Where Rachel filled his dreams.

Rachel may have been fine but he wasn’t. He was dying inside. 

*~*

“How we doing Nashville?” Rachel asked into the microphone. The arena erupted in to cheers and she smiled. This would never get old. Coming on stage. Performing for fans. One day this would be her tour. The arena would be packed to the brim with fans screaming out her name. Singing her songs. Until then, she was the opening act on the Living Right Now tour for Keith Urban. 

It was still hard to believe someone as big as Keith Urban wanted her to be his opening act. She would never forget that feeling when his phone call came. Hoped one day she could return the favor to an up and coming country artist. 

“Good, good,” she smiled. “Are you guys ready for Mr. Keith Urban?” Her smile widened when the cheers grew louder. “Me too! I’ll be rocking out just like each and every one of you when he gets on stage.” Rachel accepted the stool from a stage hand and moved to the center of the stage, attaching the mic back to the stand. “ _But for the grace of God go I, I must have been born a lucky guy,_ ” she sang and the crowd cheered. “ _Heaven only knows how I’ve been blessed with the gift of your love. And I look around and all I see is your happiness embracing me Oh Lord I’d be lost but for the grace of God._ Yeah,” she grinned. “Keith holds a special place in my heart. Bringing me out here on tour with him. Giving me a chance to perform in front of all you guys. I’ll never forget it.”

Rachel situated herself on the stole and took her guitar from the patient stage hand who had been waiting. She lifted the strap over her head and pulled her hair out from underneath it. “This is a brand new song I wrote. I hope you guys like it.”

She looked over her shoulder and nodded to her band. The song started and she closed her eyes as her hands moved on the strings of her guitar through the opening strain of the song she had written three months ago after seeing him on the sidewalk. 

“ _It took me by surprise when I saw you standing there. Close enough to touch breathing the same air. You asked me how I’ve been guess that’s when I smiled and said just fine oh but baby I was lying._ ”

That day on the sidewalk in New York City was never far from her mind. It had been her chance and she’d blown it. JC had been right there in front of her. She could have told him it was a mistake for them to break up. Could have told him she still loved him.

But she hadn’t. Like a loon she had lied and told him she was fine. A few seconds later, after saying goodbye, he had disappeared in the crowd. After breaking down in front of the bathroom mirror in her hotel room, this song had been born. She had put every emotion in to writing it. It had been cathartic. Her heart was still broken. She still wished for that moment back to do over. If she had that moment she would tell JC the truth. She’d tell him she missed him. She’d tell him she loved him. She only hoped it wouldn’t be months before they crossed paths again. 

*~*

“ _What I really meant to say is I’m dying here inside and I miss you more each day. There’s not a night I haven’t cried and baby here’s the truth I’m still in love with you. That’s what I really meant to say._ ”

JC stared at his computer. Elbows on his knees. Chin in his hands. He listened to the song from the video Rachel had posted to her MySpace page. The audio was a little rough. The video shaky. The message clear.

Rachel loved him. Still. 

She wrote an entire song about still loving him. 

JC smiled. He reached out and clicked the mouse starting the song over again.

“ _Here’s the honest truth, I’m still in love with you._ ”

The comments on the video followed his train of thought. People thought the song was about him. Comment after comment mentioned his name. Eventually he stopped scrolling and went back to the top and the video. He clicked play again. 

“ _Held on to my pride and watched you go. I wonder if you’ll ever know_ ”

“We were so stupid.” JC closed out of the web page and shut his computer down. He grabbed his phone and was halfway through her number when he paused. Did he want to do this over the phone? All the way in LA while she was in Nashville. Could he do that? Could he get their relationship back and then hang up the phone?

Deleting the numbers in his phone he put in a different set. “I need a ticket to Nashville as soon as possible,” he told his assistant when she picked up. “I’m serious with the soon as possible. Even if it leaves in an hour. Just get me to Nashville.”

*~*

Rachel sighed and put the bowl of popcorn down on the table. Hank Williams Jr had just finished asking if she was ready for some football. She was but apparently whoever was knocking on her door at 9:30 on a Monday night was not. 

The Pittsburgh Steelers ran out onto the field and she gave her TV a longing glance before the knock sounded again. Unfolding her legs from the couch she stood up and tug at the well worn Hines Ward jersey she wore over black sweatpants. Running her fingers through her blonde hair she reached her door to her apartment. Pressing her fingers to the door, she peered through the peep hole and gasp. 

“No way…” she whispered and looked again. The view didn’t change. JC stood outside her door. “No way…” she repeated. Her heart sped up. She wondered what he was doing here. After their run-in in New York, she had been half expecting – wishing – he’d seek her out. He hadn’t. Weeks had passed. It had been three months since New York. Six since their break up. Now he was here. Here at her door. Through the peep hole she watched him shuffle his feet and run a hand through his hair. The curls that had been there in August were gone. She watched as he blew out a breath and give a look down the hall.

Putting herself in motion, Rachel quickly reached up to flip the dead bolt and turn the knob. “JC…” she breathed, staring at him without the hindrance of the view finder. 

“Hi…” JC smiled seeing Rachel before him. “I was worried you weren’t home or no longer lived here…”

“I was shocked to see you,” Rachel admitted. 

“I should have called…” JC looked to his left when a door opened. The occupant had half her body outside but was talking to someone still in the apartment. He remembered the neighbor from before and looked at Rachel. His eyes almost pleading. Cindy was a little handsy when it came to him. 

Rachel followed his gaze and let out a little giggle. She met JC’s eyes. “Would you like to come in?”

“Thank you.” JC wasted no time stepping over the threshold and into Rachel’s apartment, shutting the door behind him. He looked passed Rachel to the TV. “I forgot the Steelers were playing tonight.”

“Against the Eagles.” Rachel told him. The game had started but she couldn’t see the details. Didn’t know how much time had elapsed. 

“Ah,” JC nodded. “Then allow me to say Go Steelers.” He was an avid Washington Redskins fan. Had been all his life. He grew up outside Washington DC. Baltimore didn’t have a team until he’d been twenty. Too set in his ways to change teams. 

“How are they doing this year?” Rachel asked.

“Death. Three and five.”

Rachel grimaced. “We’re six and one. Damn Baltimore in week two.” She looked at the TV in time to see the Eagles punt the ball away and the Steelers have a decent return. “Come in. Take your coat off. You want a beer? Something stronger?”

“Beer’s good.” JC said and slipped out of his coat. He had finished hanging it on the coat rack Rachel had next to her door and walked into the living room. 

Rachel’s apartment was small. A simple two bedroom in Nashville close to many great places. He had loved exploring the city with her. The door opened into the living room. The kitchen to the right with a bar that divided the two spaces. He and Rachel had spent plenty of time sitting in the stools at the bar eating. A small hallway that led to a half bath, a spare bedroom, and the master bedroom. He took a seat on the couch as Rachel walked back in with his beer in her hand.

“Was it cold outside?” Rachel handed him the drink and took her seat on the couch. It felt like any other time she had done the exact same thing. Those times she had been closer to him. 

“Compared to LA? Yeah.” JC took a swig of his beer.

“Supposed to snow this weekend. I don’t see it though. Still too warm.” The conversation was mundane. One a person would have with an acquaintance or with a stranger in the waiting room at a doctor’s office or airport terminal. “I’m gonna be singing the National Anthem at the Steelers game in a few weeks when they play the Jets.”

“Hey that’s great!” JC grinned. 

“I’m not sure if I’m more excited to do that or tour with Keith Urban.”

“How was the tour?” He had been so happy for her when the news had come. She’d been with him in LA when Keith had called. The scream she emitted after she hung up the phone had been heart attack inducing. When she told him he had pulled her into his arms and swung her around. He’d taken her out to celebrate the fantastic news. Then took her back to his house for a more private celebration. 

“So much fun!” Rachel reached for her beer on table and took a drink. “My God… I know it’s not like what you’re used to…”

“Don’t do that,” JC interrupted her.

“Don’t do what?”

“Put yourself down like that.” JC leaned forward putting his beer down on the coffee table. “We all start somewhere. You think we always played to those huge crowds? In Germany we played in malls with handfuls of people gathered around.” He reached and took her hand in his. “You’ll get there. I have no doubt. Keith Urban wanted you to open up for him. No one else. You are beyond talented. Soon you will be headlining your own tour. Packing arenas. Picking up awards left and right. Number one hit after number one hit…”

Rachel blushed hearing JC’s words. Looking down she stared at their hands. Hers in his. Close enough to touch…she was touching. His hand was warm. Soft. As she watched, her fingers tightened around his. Raising her head she caught his gaze. 

JC shifted closer. “I saw the video you posted.”

“That was last night…”

“I never expected to run in to you on a sidewalk in New York City.” JC lifted his free hand brushed his fingers across her cheek. Her eyes closed at his touch. “Caught me off guard or else I would have been better prepared.”

“Better prepared?” Rachel repeated. She was unable to look away from JC. Just stared into his eyes. The announcers grew excited on TV but she couldn’t tear her gaze away. 

JC leaned forward. His fingers moved across her cheek and tangled into her hair. The stands silky and soft. He searched her eyes before his lids fluttered closed. His lips brushed against hers, settling upon them. Familiarity ripped through him. He felt her sigh and lean into him. Her hand disappeared from his. A moment later her soft touch appeared on his cheek covered by a few weeks’ growth. 

Her lips opened beneath his. His tongue brushed against hers. The kiss was filling every dark and empty recess in his body ripped open when she walked away. The taste. The touch. The soft sighs escaping. It was home. 

“JC…” Rachel whispered against his lips before they closed back on hers. Her words forgotten. His taste seeped in to her. Her body awakened like it had been doormat. Her heart sang. 

“What I really meant to ask you,” JC whispered as he broke the kiss and leaned back so he could look into her eyes. “Was if you wanted to try again.”

“I don’t want to try… I just want to be. You. Me. Us. Together no matter what happens with your career or mine. This not letting either one of us foolishly walk away.” Rachel cupped JC’s face with her hands. The beard tickled her palms. She let her fingers glide over the coarse facial hair. Desire pooled deep within her belly.

JC wrapped his hands around her wrists. “I love you.”

“That’s what I was gonna say.” 

JC grinned and placed a kiss on each of her palms. “I’m not going to let you walk away. Not without a fight.”

“I don’t plan on walking away. I love you JC.”

JC met her with another kiss. When it ended he gathered her in his arms. His eyes drifted close and he blew out a breath feeling the tension leave his body. Even with the song, he still hadn’t been able to convince himself Rachel was still in love with him. 

Rachel shifted in his arms, cuddling into his side as she turned her attention back to the TV. They had watched many football games in that position. “Ready to watch the game?”

“Or we could go into the bedroom and catch the highlights on SportsCenter in the morning?”

“That’s what I really meant to say,” Rachel said as she sent the TV in to darkness and led JC down the hall.


End file.
